Dear Everyone,

It has been a long time since I have posted.  I apologize.  It has been very difficult for me.  The job that was supposed to go permanent was a victim of the budget cuts by both federal and state governments.  The grant that supported about 75% of their income was cut by 45%.  Since my last day with them (June 24^th):

·         I broke 2 teeth on the way home that day

·         I have worked 5 days in temporary assignments  

·         I have been sending out an average of 10-12 resumes/applications per day

·         I have gone to every job fair I have heard about and only gotten 2 interviews

This is a sad commentary on the economy and how our “recovery” is progressing. 

I’m sad to say that depression has been lurking behind every corner as I see the slower season upon us for my own products.  I am also out of plastic for cutting, out of the 2 most popular sizes, and out of the means to get more plastic and cuttings.  I have been feeling like the budget cuts also caused fate to turn off the light at the end of the tunnel.  Please pray it gets turned back on.

What Have I Been Up To?

Thank you for all the birthday wishes from many of you by e-mail and facebook.

Two weeks ago was my last day at the temporary assignment that was promising to go permanent. This was a job I loved doing. It just wasn't to be after the governmental budget cuts reduced their grant funding by 35%. At that time they called me and the other temp into the office and told us how much they wanted to keep us both on permanently but... However, I understand they just hired a new temp from a different agency (maybe lower rate) and combined both the jobs as one. I would have liked them to call me back (I'm already half trained) even if it were a lower rate. I was still available. Oh well. I sometimes wonder what God has planned that I don't know about yet.

During the two weeks off I celebrated my birthday, helped my friend finish a quilt top (& took it to her favorite machine quilter), and a 2 days temp job wrapping 500 "For Sale By Owner" signs for mailing. I went out to eat most days last week using a different birthday coupon for free meals or as a birthday treat with a family member or friend.

Today I got a new temp assignment for 1 week of data entry that I start tomorrow 8 am. I will try to keep you posted. Not sure what to expect. It is "near the airport" but from looking at the map nothing else.

M is Coming Home Today

This time has been a long 5 weeks.  M is finally coming home today. They think they got his meds in balance.  I pray M takes them all as prescribed and doesn't add anything else.  His cat will be so happy to see him.

I left him a freezer full of home cooked food in individual portions.  He likes my lasagna so I made a batch but layered it into 3 disposable meatloaf pans.  an average person should get 3 servings out of each loaf.  He also has 5 Chicken w/ bow tie pasta, a couple bags of vegetable soup, Marinara sauce, and Alfredo sauce. The soup and sauces came from leftovers throughout the 5 weeks.

Well off to work. 

Long Haul…

Since Easter I have not posted as I promised myself when beginning this blog.  I think my ideal was a bit lofty and yet the goal was there to blog about life… my life. 

M is still in the hospital being cared for and meds tweaked.  We are not sure at this time when he will be able to come home.  Some of the extracurricular things he smoked, drank… etc. may have done more damage to a fast recovery than dreamed of.  It is part of the illness.  When he feels good he wants to “party” and that doesn’t mix with meds.

Mom started out by leaving an upper window open just enough for the cat to be able to get “in & out”  via the roof of the house.  This stopped quite abruptly when I went over to take in the mail on a dark rainy evening when Mom couldn’t.  I noticed something amiss but couldn’t quite put a name to it.  So I grabbed the cat while I double checked all of the doors.  (Don’t know if I was planning to throw the cat at anyone.)  When I got back to the kitchen to refill the food bowl we came face to face with the intruder.  Through his masked he glared at us and then it was a brief second before the last of his ringed tail was outside the window.  Yes, Rocky Raccoon had gained entry from the roof through the open window and was scavenging cat food.  I slammed that window shut and locked it then called Mom to let her know we have to go over daily.

Now Mom goes during the day, lets the cat out and brings in the mail if it is there.  I go after work to let in the cat (mail if necessary).   I’ve been spending extra time playing and being company for him. 

Yesterday was a particularly bad day for M.  His ex-wife and kids live in the NE corner of Oklahoma and she works in a hospital in Joplin.  We are fortunate that when we finally got a return call from her (6 pm Monday), she reported all of the family was alright and the power was back on at home.  She works in “the other” hospital in Joplin but they were busy tending to transferring a large number of patients from the hospital that was hit by the tornado plus any other ER & Trauma patients. 

Please add the people affected by the tornado to your prayers.  The Red Cross, as well as other organizations can really use donations of blood, manpower and funds.  Please do what you can.

Life is Good (right now)

I will be working my last shift at the retail store tomorrow.  Easter was my breaking point.  I got to Mom's to pick her up for Easter brunch buffet with the whole family (M was in full mania).  Knowing the stress of trying to work 2 jobs to be able to maintain my Quilt Patis business coupled with family responsibilities/crisises, I was in tears.  I told her "I just can't do it all any longer."

After brunch M decided to make the move to go to the hospital for his "tune up" and I decided I needed to assess my life too.

• Retail job:  promises no advancement and highly stressful (IMHO due to constant understaffing and severe lack of communication).
• Temp job:  staff and management wonderful, respectful, communicates well… I feel valued.  Promises opportunity of turning permanent. 
• Quilt Patis:  my passion and has promise as long as I can otherwise support myself in the lean seasons.
• Family:  I love them even though I don’t like the stresses involved… but we are never promised life would be easy… I won’t divorce them.

When it comes right down to it the decision was easy.  I wrote my resignation that evening.  From that moment on I felt relax.   I actually wrote two resignations.  One gave an ending date and the other substituted the date with the word "immediately".  I had plans to switch out letters if there was any trouble with the manager accepting my resignation. There was a little resistance but not to the point I needed to do the switch.

In the two weeks since, I received an e-mail telling me that one of the trade magazines will be doing an article about me and my Butterfly Pincushion Pin Kits.  They also are giving me a Saturday to demo my technique at the Creative Festival in Cincinnati the 3rd weekend in June.  Then today I got 11 of the signed original (finished) butterflies in a local art gallery on consignment.  She priced them at $34.00 each. If you are in Columbus and would like to purchase one and see all of the other wonderful things she is showcasing this is the gallery... Galleria Evangelia, 4269 N. High St., Columbus, Ohio,  614-354-6557, www.galleria-evangelia.com .

So, with the help of prayer and faith the journey continues.

Update on M

After 3 weeks of full manic episode complicated with severe depression and fueled by recreational no-no's (beer, pot & pills of undisclosed origin) M had a grand finale with Easter buffet at a local oriental restaurant.  At the end of the stressful meal he announces "I quit taking my meds over holidays" and then "I'm ready to go in now" (mental hospital).  First they sent him to the medical hospital over night to observe and test to find out what recreational drugs he had taken. By the time I got off work he was back at the mental hospital to get his meds and sleep back on track.

M has been on nearly every form of meds used to treat Bi-Polar disease until they either quit working or start to become toxic to his body.  I worry that they will run out of choices of meds to use.  Even with these worries I am breathing easier knowing he is getting the help he so desperately needs.  I believe in the power of prayer so I welcome any that my readers may offer up.

Taking Care

When I started this blog I promised that I would not use my family member’s names and specific situations.  Yet there are some areas where I am directly affected by their situations.  So today I will bend that promise.

In my family we have battled Heart Disease/Stroke/HBP, AIDS, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, Diabetes, and severe Bi-Polar diseases.  Heart Disease/Stroke/HBP and Cancer are the top two killers.  Families tend to think of it as something everyone gets if they live long enough. During our family’s struggle with AIDS was where I learned that to take care of your loved one you MUST take care of yourself first.  That was nearly 20 years ago when he died and I still struggle with the concept of me first.   The Hodgkin’s sufferer has now been in remission 10 years and considered a survivor.

The two that are left are current and chronic. These types of situations are what Mom used to refer to as “the crazy makers” because you feel so helpless to help.  When you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop you are always under stress.

Right now I’m in a good place recovering from the financial woes of the last three/four years but at the cost of fatigue.  I have my “permanent job” at the retail store (averaging 10 hours a week at beginning hourly rate) and I have my “temp assignment” (full time at double the hourly rate of the retail).  All of that to be self-employed at my passionate job… quilting. 

Two of my three remaining siblings are employed full time.  The third (M) is severely with Bi-Polar and truly unable to work steadily.  We all have our responsibilities no matter how M is maintaining… or not.  

M’s psychiatrist once told us all “to maintain is like balancing a bowling ball on the tip of a pool cue stick.”  What he was trying to get across to M is that diet (NO ALCOHOL! and attention to the sugar levels for Diabetes), meds, sleep, and stressors need to be in balance for wellbeing despite the disease.

This time taxes, Easter, being refused for SSI disability (again) and losing sleep due to the other elements are all pushing the bowling ball into the gutter.  On top of that M has been washing the troubles down with beer.  I can’t seem to get through to him.  But Mom always calls on me first for help in these crises and I hate refusing her requests. 

I think caretakers are given their own bowling ball and cue stick.  It is up to us to keep ours in balance while we’re retrieving the toppled bowling ball for our loved one.  This may also mean seeking help for ourselves.  The Wellness Community in our area was very helpful with support groups, education, etc. for the “participants” and “caregivers” related to cancers.  I was in the caregiver’s group and my sibling went to the participant’s group.  It helped us focus, talk out the stressors, and exchange information on new treatments.  There are groups out there for whatever you are battling.  The trick is to find the group that helps YOU.  That way you are better able to pass your cue stick to the group while you help the participant get back in balance.

I have to make sure I sleep and eat right when drafted into the caregiver battalion.