Life IS Survivable

In November (2011) I was hired part time at a wholesale floral distributor.  It is a small family company that has been in business for 3 generations.  I have recently completed my 90 trial period and I'm still there.  The hardest part of the job is getting there by 6 AM Monday through Saturday and no benefits.

I remember being 7 year old when Grandpa built his "new offices".  He took me with him to this company to get Gardenia corsages for all of the women who came to his open house.  It made an impression on me for a few reasons but mostly because it was the first time I got to go with Grandpa alone (without my older brother) on an errand.

About the same time I began teaching on an independent contractor basis at JoAnn's.  I feel more apreciated that when I was employed as a "scissor drone".  There are still problems with communications and getting paid in a timely manner.  This may not last if the problems continue. 

I still have to "plan" all expenses.  Just when you think you are getting ahead a tiny bit that is the week that both the computer died and the engine light came on in the car.  The car took all but 50 cents of the paycheck and the computer took the whole savings.  These expenses were NOT in the "plan".  However, both were essential to replace/repair immediately to keep me in business.

As of February, I am no longer in arrears with my property taxes.  Even so, I signed up for the monthly payment plan so it is a little easier to take.

Mom turned 80 last month.  Her best gift was that we were able to have all of her kids together to take her to dinner.  I got to the restaurant first.  I told them of the occasion.  They sprinkled red rose petals all over the table and gave her a free dessert.  The present she didn't get (yet if at all) was her desire to go skydiving.  We want her doctor to approve it first.  Even so, I will NOT join her in jumping out of a perfectly good plane.  IF I ever skydive it will be because I have no other choice to survive.

My sister is getting married next month.  We are happy for her because he treats her so well.  I can tell you she dated a string of "peter pans" that didn't treat her with respect.  I'm glad she waited for her prince.

My quilt guild's biannual quilt show was March 23 & 24.  I was vendor/door prize chairperson.  We had fewer vendors than preferred but we had so many more paid attendees than anticipated.  As door prize chairperson, we make a "giveaway thingy" that they can open to find out if they won or not.  This show I made 340 needle books.  This is also how we count paid attendance.  The previous show we had just under 200 so I thought we had enough needle books... we ran out with about 2-1/2 hours to go.  It was a great show but exhausting.  I went into a 12 hour "sleep coma" that night (after take down).

M is Coming Home Today

This time has been a long 5 weeks.  M is finally coming home today. They think they got his meds in balance.  I pray M takes them all as prescribed and doesn't add anything else.  His cat will be so happy to see him.

I left him a freezer full of home cooked food in individual portions.  He likes my lasagna so I made a batch but layered it into 3 disposable meatloaf pans.  an average person should get 3 servings out of each loaf.  He also has 5 Chicken w/ bow tie pasta, a couple bags of vegetable soup, Marinara sauce, and Alfredo sauce. The soup and sauces came from leftovers throughout the 5 weeks.

Well off to work. 

Long Haul…

Since Easter I have not posted as I promised myself when beginning this blog.  I think my ideal was a bit lofty and yet the goal was there to blog about life… my life. 

M is still in the hospital being cared for and meds tweaked.  We are not sure at this time when he will be able to come home.  Some of the extracurricular things he smoked, drank… etc. may have done more damage to a fast recovery than dreamed of.  It is part of the illness.  When he feels good he wants to “party” and that doesn’t mix with meds.

Mom started out by leaving an upper window open just enough for the cat to be able to get “in & out”  via the roof of the house.  This stopped quite abruptly when I went over to take in the mail on a dark rainy evening when Mom couldn’t.  I noticed something amiss but couldn’t quite put a name to it.  So I grabbed the cat while I double checked all of the doors.  (Don’t know if I was planning to throw the cat at anyone.)  When I got back to the kitchen to refill the food bowl we came face to face with the intruder.  Through his masked he glared at us and then it was a brief second before the last of his ringed tail was outside the window.  Yes, Rocky Raccoon had gained entry from the roof through the open window and was scavenging cat food.  I slammed that window shut and locked it then called Mom to let her know we have to go over daily.

Now Mom goes during the day, lets the cat out and brings in the mail if it is there.  I go after work to let in the cat (mail if necessary).   I’ve been spending extra time playing and being company for him. 

Yesterday was a particularly bad day for M.  His ex-wife and kids live in the NE corner of Oklahoma and she works in a hospital in Joplin.  We are fortunate that when we finally got a return call from her (6 pm Monday), she reported all of the family was alright and the power was back on at home.  She works in “the other” hospital in Joplin but they were busy tending to transferring a large number of patients from the hospital that was hit by the tornado plus any other ER & Trauma patients. 

Please add the people affected by the tornado to your prayers.  The Red Cross, as well as other organizations can really use donations of blood, manpower and funds.  Please do what you can.

Life is Good (right now)

I will be working my last shift at the retail store tomorrow.  Easter was my breaking point.  I got to Mom's to pick her up for Easter brunch buffet with the whole family (M was in full mania).  Knowing the stress of trying to work 2 jobs to be able to maintain my Quilt Patis business coupled with family responsibilities/crisises, I was in tears.  I told her "I just can't do it all any longer."

After brunch M decided to make the move to go to the hospital for his "tune up" and I decided I needed to assess my life too.

• Retail job:  promises no advancement and highly stressful (IMHO due to constant understaffing and severe lack of communication).
• Temp job:  staff and management wonderful, respectful, communicates well… I feel valued.  Promises opportunity of turning permanent. 
• Quilt Patis:  my passion and has promise as long as I can otherwise support myself in the lean seasons.
• Family:  I love them even though I don’t like the stresses involved… but we are never promised life would be easy… I won’t divorce them.

When it comes right down to it the decision was easy.  I wrote my resignation that evening.  From that moment on I felt relax.   I actually wrote two resignations.  One gave an ending date and the other substituted the date with the word "immediately".  I had plans to switch out letters if there was any trouble with the manager accepting my resignation. There was a little resistance but not to the point I needed to do the switch.

In the two weeks since, I received an e-mail telling me that one of the trade magazines will be doing an article about me and my Butterfly Pincushion Pin Kits.  They also are giving me a Saturday to demo my technique at the Creative Festival in Cincinnati the 3rd weekend in June.  Then today I got 11 of the signed original (finished) butterflies in a local art gallery on consignment.  She priced them at $34.00 each. If you are in Columbus and would like to purchase one and see all of the other wonderful things she is showcasing this is the gallery... Galleria Evangelia, 4269 N. High St., Columbus, Ohio,  614-354-6557, www.galleria-evangelia.com .

So, with the help of prayer and faith the journey continues.

Update on M

After 3 weeks of full manic episode complicated with severe depression and fueled by recreational no-no's (beer, pot & pills of undisclosed origin) M had a grand finale with Easter buffet at a local oriental restaurant.  At the end of the stressful meal he announces "I quit taking my meds over holidays" and then "I'm ready to go in now" (mental hospital).  First they sent him to the medical hospital over night to observe and test to find out what recreational drugs he had taken. By the time I got off work he was back at the mental hospital to get his meds and sleep back on track.

M has been on nearly every form of meds used to treat Bi-Polar disease until they either quit working or start to become toxic to his body.  I worry that they will run out of choices of meds to use.  Even with these worries I am breathing easier knowing he is getting the help he so desperately needs.  I believe in the power of prayer so I welcome any that my readers may offer up.

Taking Care

When I started this blog I promised that I would not use my family member’s names and specific situations.  Yet there are some areas where I am directly affected by their situations.  So today I will bend that promise.

In my family we have battled Heart Disease/Stroke/HBP, AIDS, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, Diabetes, and severe Bi-Polar diseases.  Heart Disease/Stroke/HBP and Cancer are the top two killers.  Families tend to think of it as something everyone gets if they live long enough. During our family’s struggle with AIDS was where I learned that to take care of your loved one you MUST take care of yourself first.  That was nearly 20 years ago when he died and I still struggle with the concept of me first.   The Hodgkin’s sufferer has now been in remission 10 years and considered a survivor.

The two that are left are current and chronic. These types of situations are what Mom used to refer to as “the crazy makers” because you feel so helpless to help.  When you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop you are always under stress.

Right now I’m in a good place recovering from the financial woes of the last three/four years but at the cost of fatigue.  I have my “permanent job” at the retail store (averaging 10 hours a week at beginning hourly rate) and I have my “temp assignment” (full time at double the hourly rate of the retail).  All of that to be self-employed at my passionate job… quilting. 

Two of my three remaining siblings are employed full time.  The third (M) is severely with Bi-Polar and truly unable to work steadily.  We all have our responsibilities no matter how M is maintaining… or not.  

M’s psychiatrist once told us all “to maintain is like balancing a bowling ball on the tip of a pool cue stick.”  What he was trying to get across to M is that diet (NO ALCOHOL! and attention to the sugar levels for Diabetes), meds, sleep, and stressors need to be in balance for wellbeing despite the disease.

This time taxes, Easter, being refused for SSI disability (again) and losing sleep due to the other elements are all pushing the bowling ball into the gutter.  On top of that M has been washing the troubles down with beer.  I can’t seem to get through to him.  But Mom always calls on me first for help in these crises and I hate refusing her requests. 

I think caretakers are given their own bowling ball and cue stick.  It is up to us to keep ours in balance while we’re retrieving the toppled bowling ball for our loved one.  This may also mean seeking help for ourselves.  The Wellness Community in our area was very helpful with support groups, education, etc. for the “participants” and “caregivers” related to cancers.  I was in the caregiver’s group and my sibling went to the participant’s group.  It helped us focus, talk out the stressors, and exchange information on new treatments.  There are groups out there for whatever you are battling.  The trick is to find the group that helps YOU.  That way you are better able to pass your cue stick to the group while you help the participant get back in balance.

I have to make sure I sleep and eat right when drafted into the caregiver battalion.

HONOR

Since the first day of spring we have had a plummet in temperature and even a couple of snow dustings.  What happened to spring?

Yesterday, I had news of an old family friend’s passing.  Tomorrow I will take Mom with me to the funeral home to pay our respects (I cannot make it to the funeral mass on Monday).  Please pray for JMac’s family, that they may find peace in their grieving process.

I called the retail chain where I work on the weekends to see what my schedule was for Sunday.  I was told “You are not scheduled next week.” “All next week?!???  Not even Saturday?”I asked.  This worries me since this IS the permanent job.  Am I getting a vacation I did not ask for or am I getting laid off since they were just bought out.  We recently got a new store manager.  Is he testing how “his store” would run without a different person in each area for a whole week?  Are we getting fired by just not being scheduled?  There are rumors of games, tests & traps being set by this person.  Did I flunk?  If/when I leave any job; I want it to be MY decision.  It would be because I bettered my position at a job… or won the lottery (LOL).

My grandfather was a self made business man as a real estate broker, whose motto was “Doing business by the golden rule.” He did NOT want to get a reputation for doing anything for the greed of lining his pockets.  He wanted the reputation for a fair deal.  By this he got the respect of his workers, customers and the whole community.  Years after his death people were calling Grandma when they were ready to sell or buy again only to be disappointed that he couldn’t represent them.  They always ended the call with a compliment like “L always treated everyone honestly” and/or “with respect”.  This treatment brings customers back every time and garners referrals.  When are the big muckity~muck corporations ever going to learn this?????  It's called honor.  I fear this “golden rule” customer service died with Grandpa and JMac (who was one of Grandpa’s partners).

I honor JMac this weekend for he truly honored my grandfather's ideals and teachings by his continued "Doing business by the golden rule" after Grandpa's death.  I know Grandpa greeted JMac soon after he arrived in heaven... they are probably making plans to play poker or gin rummy soon.

On Family and Faith

One of my rules posted yesterday was:  My family will never be referred to by name and only spoken about in direct reference to me.  Today I will outline my family and faith because these are the major elements that make us who we are today.    

Husband – never was one. Not that I don’t believe in them, just never found the right person at the right time.  (Had an offer in the 80’s for a “Sugar Daddy” but didn’t take it.) I will marry for love.

Children – 2 a boy and a girl but both have wet noses, long floppy ears and docked tails. Yes, my mother has “grandpuppies” from me.  Many of you will understand that giving them away is a last option.

Father – deceased (1990)

Step-father – deceased (1989)

Mother – living on only social security & food stamps at 78 on her next birthday in a couple weeks.

Mother’s current husband – several years older than Mom and dealing with “memory issues”.

Brother #1 – (older) unemployed and looking.

Brother #2 – deceased (1992)

Brother #3 – (younger) disabled and fighting to get SSI but keeps getting turned down (too many assets – So he has to lose his house before they will qualify him (a house paid off – just owes taxes).

Sister – (20 years younger) Cancer survivor, working, tremendous help to the family and I feel she has a right to enjoy her life with her significant other.  That means starting a family if they want or not.

Step-Sister (Father’s side) – Married with 2 sons. We have seen each other maybe 3 times since Daddy died.

My faith is Christian based.  I believe in God.  I also believe that Man is arrogant enough to impose individual beliefs upon their God as His traits and teachings when interpreting the Bible.  With so many doctrines and formal religions out there I sometimes wonder if one is the ONE religion to believe in.  Having grown up in a predominantly Jewish community and then taken the class “Non Western Religions” at Otterbein also helped shape this view.  My father was Lutheran; my grandparents took us to a Presbyterian church; and my step-father was Catholic.  This morning I have the opportunity to go to church (not working those hours) and I will go to Trinity Episcopal (downtown Columbus).  This is the church where I feel the spirit.

Many religions teach love, being good towards others, and the teachings of the Christians’ 10 Commandments and The Golden Rule.  So this is how I try to live MY life and not really by a name tag saying “Hello I’m _____________”.  Just as there are many roads (with different names) to get to Cleveland, I believe the name tag is moot.  I believe Christ when he taught “Believe in me and ye shall surely see the Kingdom of Heaven.” Period! 

Like Job in the Old Testament, my current troubles will not sway my beliefs.  So many times when I have truly needed something it has come to me.  This blog is what I believe was meant to come from my experiences.  Without the hardships I would not have been able to attempt to make understand homelessness.  I might have bought into the myths I am trying now to dispel.

Today's Tally:
Sunday, February 13, 2011                      Time:  worked 5.5 hours but also got to go to church
Location:  the retail chain store
Temp:  worked inside so this is not applicable
Newspapers sold:   0
Viable job postings:   0
Filled or baiting job posted:   0
Resumes/Job Applications sent:   0